does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
