Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
