My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
