this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I checked into jail on foursquare
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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