I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
