remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
