there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
