Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
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No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
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I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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