Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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