Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize