He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
