she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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