Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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