Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
