He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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