my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
