I'm lost and stupid without you.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
