i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
