he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize