How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
