Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
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My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.