idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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