Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize