Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
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Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
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White people are beatboxing! Save me.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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