I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
this will be a night to untag.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
