You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
