I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
