I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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