her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
