I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Randomize
