so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
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