Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
FUCK WHALES
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
