I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
