did you get engaged???
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
