All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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