I wanna passion pit in your ass
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
