Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
