I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
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He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
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There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place