New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Dicks are not precious.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
