When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
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Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
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Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
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