I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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