where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Randomize
