M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
