...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
