We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.