It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09