I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
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HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
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You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!