they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Omg I joined a choir last night...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
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