i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
