Will you blow on my dice?
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
His nipple licking is glorious
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