What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
