Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
