My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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