I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize
