We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
PANTIES FOUND
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
