Plan B is the new Plan A
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
