I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
NoShamevember. You game?
I fill condoms, not promises.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
