i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just googled if crying burns calories
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
Randomize
