you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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