she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
We talked him into tasing himself.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
