He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
